like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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