Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(352): Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself. http://tfl.nu/hxa2

Replies (5) Good night (2244) Bad night (740)
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(336): View more from North Carolina

They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.

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(336): They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up. http://tfl.nu/5b65

Replies (5) Good night (4274) Bad night (845)
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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(662): "I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again. http://tfl.nu/9nn9

Replies (25) Good night (1381) Bad night (6842)
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(970): View more from Colorado

I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.

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(970): I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat. http://tfl.nu/yfuv

Replies (13) Good night (2331) Bad night (1327)
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(404): View more from Georgia

It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?

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(404): It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar? http://tfl.nu/lonp

Replies (6) Good night (1516) Bad night (811)
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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(816): Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays. http://tfl.nu/c3h2

Replies (11) Good night (3218) Bad night (804)
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.

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(908): I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background. http://tfl.nu/p2h3

Replies (3) Good night (1149) Bad night (550)
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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(832): i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus http://tfl.nu/kvpc

Replies (2) Good night (1697) Bad night (668)
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water

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(405): You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water http://tfl.nu/d1ur

Replies (5) Good night (1675) Bad night (750)
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(925): View more from California

Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.

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(925): Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude. http://tfl.nu/h87p

Replies (7) Good night (1773) Bad night (503)
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(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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(818): Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it http://tfl.nu/vzjc

Replies (10) Good night (1564) Bad night (489)
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(425): View more from Washington

Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

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(425): Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household http://tfl.nu/3bng

Replies (5) Good night (1050) Bad night (412)
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(734): View more from Michigan

Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Sadly that explains a lot.

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(734): Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka. (1-734): Sadly that explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/6w41

Replies (0) Good night (700) Bad night (324)
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(647): View more from Ontario

I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.

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(647): I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint. http://tfl.nu/rdy8

Replies (2) Good night (564) Bad night (149)
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(410): View more from Maryland

It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*

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(410): It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal* http://tfl.nu/7l69

Replies (0) Good night (277) Bad night (144)

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