Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.