i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Two words: blizzard sex
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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