turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
