i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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