So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
