I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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