Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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