i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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