the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
