I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
