once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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