i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
