So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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