i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
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So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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