Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
