Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
