my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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