Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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