i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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