this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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