dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
