My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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