So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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