I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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