You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
