Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Where is the hickey?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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