Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
