Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
