Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
