my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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