The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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