He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
