I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why didn't you poke me back
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
