Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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