My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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