My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
