I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
