She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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