mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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