I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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