Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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