There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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