He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
