I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
