i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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