wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
