Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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