my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
