dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
