you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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