Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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