We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
