Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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