I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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