sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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