i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
