Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
