Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
