I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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