so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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