Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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