Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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