I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
